(Warning: Very long, emotional, somewhat awkward, blog)
I feel so restless, like I should be up running miles and miles but my insides are tired. My little face feels swollen from tears and my breathing even hurts.
With every funeral or visitation I attend, I either feel some new feeling, or wonder some new question. As death is death, it seems with each case it pulls something different out of me. (and yes, I probably have blogged after each close death I've had in the past few years, but it's always a worthy cause as it helps me cope)
I, for the life of me, can not figure out why I've been so torn up about the passing of Kathy Isaacs-as to which I had not even seen in years, nor even had a conversation with. I just can't figure it out. I woke up almost every hour last night with dreams and thoughts about the Isaacs family... and I was so apprehensive... and thinking that maybe it wasn't true???
I suppose the family encompasses loads of memories for me, but honestly, I was always very intimidated of Ms. Kathy, and I don't know why. I spent a lot of time with her boys, and was probably very naive at the time, so for whatever reason, she made me nervous. Looking back, and obviously understanding so much more now, I think she was always just watching out for her sons as to which I COMPLETELY understand. But I'm wondering if the reason I'm having such difficulty in closure is because I wish I could go apologize for being a stupid 13 year old girl who didn't have a clue sometimes... and for her to know that I really respect her and knew she was a very smart woman.
And that's why this is tough because I lost that chance completely and prayed for 2 years for her healing and should have spoken to her during that time, but didn't. I guess this is called guilt? It's a very frustrating feeling. It's grief and guilt all mixed in together.
I went to the visitation... then had to head to my cheerleading banquet... and then got home to see the last part of her funeral via livestream and I could barely contain myself. Actually... I didn't contain myself at all. I totally lost it.
Even though she wasn't my mother, I'm so sad that my friends' have lost theirs. I am literally heartbroken for Jason and Jeremy. No words to explain the uncomfortableness inside.
1 comment:
I feel the same way, Abby! Kathy's death has affected me so deeply, and I only had one encounter with her many years ago (when Meridieth was a pre-schooler). But, that one encounter made an impact that has always stayed with me. I watched all but the first ten minutes last night and sobbed the whole time. I just hope that I can "leave a legacy" like she has. (I don't know if you saw the video they showed, but it played that song.) Anyway...I am right there with ya!
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