I had 2 revelations today. One good, one not so good.
#1... I love being at home so much it's ridiculous. Especially when it comes to these cold, or rainy, nights. Like, the excitement that overwhelms me about going home is rather ridiculous. I do not ever remember being so excited about be AT home when I was younger. It's warm, it's cozy, I can make a mess if I want to, I can watch what I want. I suppose it's all for selfish reasons... but I really love it. And I get so much done. As well as can read and sit in silence. It's glorious... and I hope, no matter who is in my home "with me" in the future... that it always feels safe and warm to me.
#2... It's my sixth year teaching and I feel as if part of me is losing sight as to why I got into this business. I have no idea how to gain a fresh perspective on all of this because I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I look at my kids now and see a test score, or a number, or a color ranking their level, or a statistic to "overcome". I forget to see them as little souls... and little brains... and little, fragile 14 year olds who are like sponges and hold onto everything you say. I forget that they have hearts and experience pain and can make me laugh more than almost anyone. I wish I focused on that every day, but considering I can't get them to even have a pencil or a notebook that I literally blow up in all of their faces and go nuts... I kind of forget the "relationship" part. I think I'm doing a bad job at all of this teaching stuff right now and maybe I need to go in and apologize to all of my kids for the pressure I'm putting on them. Oh wait... I did that 2 weeks ago... eh. Tomorrow's a new day...
2 comments:
you are putting pressure on them because the system is putting so much pressure on you! How can you not think of them as a number, a test score with this whole race to the top stuff where you are determined to be a good teacher or not based off their performance. urg. I'm not even a teacher and it makes me stressed! :) You are a good teacher and you love your kids...I'll start reminding you of that more often. :)
I think it's obvious that you love them because of what you wrote:-)
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