I'm in a bad place.
My mind.... is just in a bad place.
If Jesus would have walked into my classroom today I don't see how he could have been the least bit pleased with even the words coming out of my mouth. I'm just at my wits end. I have said "shut your mouth" more this year than all the previous year's combined. And a few "shut ups" even came out. Yes. Not teacher of the year here.
I know what you're thinking... "Abby, you only have like 5 weeks left!" Yes, this is true. But I still care... about my job and hoping my kids will still learn a little bit. I think some teachers tolerate so much because they honestly don't care.
And I can't help but wonder how different things will be in Cambodia and if I'll even have the same issues. I doubt it.
I like order. I like schedules. I like a pattern. It's how I get a lot accomplished. I also like for my students to at least have a pencil and pretend that they care. I honestly just don't have the answers... how do I get my kids to bring pencils and paper? I mean-do their parents not at least wonder why they get on the bus with nothing in hand??
I have no answer. I'm clearly terrible at this and I think they all despise me. I mean-honestly-I try to be positive and encouraging and down to earth with them but I'm also exhausted by 9:15 and am barely running off fumes the rest of the day. I will give a student instructions and they will blatantly disobey and just stare at me. I fear the future of my own children because I will threaten them severely if they ever mistreat a teacher because it's a TERRIBLE feeling. I did ask one boy this week if it was his goal in life to make me miserable. I think if he was honest, he would have said yes.
I like order. I like schedules. I like a pattern. It's how I get a lot accomplished. I also like for my students to at least have a pencil and pretend that they care. I honestly just don't have the answers... how do I get my kids to bring pencils and paper? I mean-do their parents not at least wonder why they get on the bus with nothing in hand??
I have no answer. I'm clearly terrible at this and I think they all despise me. I mean-honestly-I try to be positive and encouraging and down to earth with them but I'm also exhausted by 9:15 and am barely running off fumes the rest of the day. I will give a student instructions and they will blatantly disobey and just stare at me. I fear the future of my own children because I will threaten them severely if they ever mistreat a teacher because it's a TERRIBLE feeling. I did ask one boy this week if it was his goal in life to make me miserable. I think if he was honest, he would have said yes.
I just try to tell myself, "Abby, some of them actually turn out ok." Middle school is just not that time. If I return from Cambodia in two years and consider the teaching profession here in the States, please remind me of this feeling right now and I'll gladly go flip hamburgers.
2 comments:
It could be that this is just God's way of giving you another nudge "out of the nest" to confirm that you have made the right decision in your upcoming mission. I heard a sermon on this many years ago and ever since when I find myself in a really bad desperate place I remind myself that something great is in store because obviously I'm being pushed out of the nest so I can learn to fly to new heights and there is a much greater mission to accomplish with much greater rewards! Your big adventure is about to begin!!
Girl. I FEEL ya. In every single way.
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