Shapes and Sizes

I have about four months left in Cambodia before I move on to the next chapter in my life… as to which at the moment I have no idea what that is.  But I’m not worried.

What I am worried about is that I believe I will feel like an alien in my own land. 

One of my PCL colleagues says you come to a foreign land as a circle… in a land of squares.  You never quite fit.  You don’t understand their cultural ways but you make it work and get by.  You might even become a messy blob for a while and then eventually you start to make shape again. 

And then, before you know it, your shape has morphed and you are a functional blend between the two worlds.  You have now become a triangle.  You are no longer fully an American “circle” but definitely not a full Cambodian “square” either.   You are a new shape.  You look different and the purpose you serve is different.

But I might forever be a triangle.  And I will return back to my very circle America and still be a triangle.  So I won’t fit there either.  I can never rid myself of my new shape nor do I think I actually should.  It was a lot of bending and reshaping and down right painful changing that led me to become this new triangle.

I envision my little triangle self, trying to fit in with all of the circles.  I envision the pain and the misunderstanding and the confusion that might come about in different situations.  I don’t get them… and they don’t get me.  The circles will want me to become a circle again and I just can’t do it.  I won’t know how.

And you know what… I grieve this.  I sit here with deep pain in the fact that I may not understand everyone anymore, and even more disheartening, that no one will understand me.  I don’t mean that in an arrogant way, but in a rather bluntly honest way.  I fear loneliness will overtake my new little triangle heart.

 For the next four months, my prayer is that grace, mercy, love, compassion and understanding will be like a river out of my mouth.  And might I also pray that it will be given to me in return when others become frustrated with my new ideas or explanations.   May we offer it to one another in return because truthfully, we are all on this journey together but we have each taken paths.  A righteous path is headed towards Christ but the way in which we have navigated it can be quite different.

If I cannot venture on this journey with my fellow loved ones, those who know the Lord and those who do not, then I am no Christ follower at all.  I am just a selfish, arrogant, prideful human who believes the navigation of my path to righteousness is the only way to go. 

So here’s to you… all of you circles, squares, and triangles.  Lets walk the path together.  We may look different, but we’re all just a bunch of funky shapes serving a purpose only we can serve.